The Space Between
The distance between two points is officially defined as a straight line. If you’ve lived a few days, then you’d agree that the definition couldn’t be further from the truth. Every now and then, I experience seasons in life in which themes arrest my thoughts. This season, it’s how to show up in "the space between". This could be the space between your amazing idea and it coming to life, the space between your last relationship and the next or even the space between your last job and your next exciting role. Whatever the space is for you, I’m internalizing why the line isn’t so straight.
The space between is often unknown. You’re full of doubt, your insecurities are glaring, and your thoughts seem to have a mind of their own. Everyone has an opinion, many of them differ from what you think you should do. The space between makes you feel confused. It’s hard and I’m here to affirm that whatever you feel in “the space” is valid. Hard Stop. What comes after the feelings are what’s most important. I want to share what I’ve been doing:
Detaching
Detaching from outcomes, detaching from people, detaching from things, detaching from expectations, detaching from ideal scenarios—simply detaching. There is a saying that attachment is the root of suffering. Often, we exacerbate our suffering by holding on so tightly to the straight line. The sooner you realize that it’s inevitable for the line to sometimes be zig zagged, twisted, wavy, jagged or bent, the less confused you will feel about “the space between”. By no means am I suggesting that this is easy- it’s a daily practice and it’s hard. However, as you contemplate where your energy goes during the “space between”, I’m confident that you (and I) are capable of doing hard things.
There is a saying that attachment is the root of suffering.
Bonus: This could also mean detaching your identity from your job, your relationship or your social status. These are things you participate in—not who you are. Therefore, when these things don’t work out as you expect, there is little to no impact on your self-esteem. You are still worthy—you are still great; you are still capable, and you are still deserving.
Emotion Watching
Have you ever people watched? You know, you sit on a bench or at a table and observe the behaviors of others. Same concept but replace people with emotions. Your own emotions. The space between is fertile ground for festering emotions. Depression, anxiety, anger, unworthiness, [insert your descriptor here], they all show up in this space. Greet them when they arrive, welcome them in even—but don’t take them on as your identity. I can recall that when these emotions would show up in my space, I’d run for the hills. I refused to acknowledge them, and I actively suppressed them. Spoiler alert: They never left. I couldn't outrun them. It wasn’t until I welcomed them that I started to learn how to better manage them. Now I watch them—the same way I’d people watch. I watch them, I allow myself space to feel them while acknowledging that they are not me. They don’t define me, and I don’t have to include them in my identity. You don’t either.
Accepting and Acknowledging
I’ve been accepting the here and now. When it came to my goals, I’d plan like crazy… I’d hold myself to these unreasonable timelines and become down when I’d miss the mark. The space between is teaching me to simply accept where I am today. Accepting today may sound silly to some but I encourage you to try it. It may look something like this:
I don’t have the career of my dreams, but I have the ability to keep working toward it.
I didn’t get the promotion I deserve, but I have the agility to get there.
I don’t have the partner I desire, but I have family and friends that love me or I’m confident that what I desire, desires me also.
The goal of acceptance is to channel your focus toward the resources and strengths you possess, rather than perceiving your circumstances or yourself through a lens of scarcity.
Some things are simply beyond our control. Whether it’s the response from the job or the response from a potential mate, accept things for what they are. The space between has forced me to acknowledge what’s within my control and what’s not. Worrying about things that you cannot control is a waste of energy and time. The sooner you absorb this concept, the lighter you will feel.
The goal of acceptance is to channel your focus toward the resources and strengths you possess, rather than perceiving your circumstances or yourself through a lens of scarcity.
Refining/Redefining
Breaking old habits is hard. Believe me—welcoming emotions was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date. That said, it was so necessary. The space between has allowed me to redefine who I am. When you’re in the space of the unknown, the only thing you can control is you. You control how you show up, what you react to and where you decide to spend your energy. Cal Newport says in Deep Work that we all have limited energy reserves. Be careful and mindful of where you spend yours. You have more power than you give yourself credit for. Use this space to define who you are or who you want to be as you zig zag to the next point.
The space between is uncomfortable but I promise it’s not a waste of time. It’s a time for detaching from old ideas and embracing new. It’s a space for welcoming our emotions while not taking them on as our identity. It’s a space for accepting where we are and what we have. It’s a space for acknowledging what’s within our control and what’s not and it’s a space for refining or re-defining who we are. Give yourself a little grace when the distance between your two points isn’t straight. The zig zagged, jagged and twisted line still gets us there.
Have any thoughts about how you show up in “the space in between”? Let me know in the comments below.